Quotes & Jokes about Golf

56 quotes

I have this friend who got divorced. I went golfing with him recently. It's the first time I'd seem him since the divorce. So when I got home, my wife's like, "How's Gary?" "I don't know" "I thought you went golfing with Gary today" "I did" "And you don't know how he's doing?" "It never came up." "Is he dating anyone?" "I don't know." "Were you two in the same golf cart?" "Yeah." "You're kidding me! You were in the same golf cart for four hours and you don't if he's dating anyone?" "I know he's got a new driver" "How is that possible that wouldn't come up?" "How is that possible it would come up?" "The hundred and fifty marker's there, probably about a hundred and thirty-five. Are you dating anyone?"

Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.

When I get a chance to play golf or go on a boat with good people, take the boat out and put some lobsters on the grill, get the ice-cold beer and the cigars - that's heaven here on earth.

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot."

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.

Golf is a lot like stand-up comedy. You have to suck to get good in the long run and I have always loved a challenge like that. The shoes are funny and always keep me laughing, especially when I suck extra hard!

Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.

I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.