Quotes and Jokes by Bill Cosby

A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.

"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "and tired." I don't remember anything after that.

How long can you tread water?

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful" and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

Sigmund Freud once said, "What do women want?" The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.

A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

You know my father's favorite game? "Come here and pull my finger."

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.

I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.