Quotes & Jokes by Bill Cosby

168 quotes

"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "and tired." I don't remember anything after that.

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful" and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

How long can you tread water?

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.

The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".