Quotes & Jokes by Bill Cosby


I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful" and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "and tired." I don't remember anything after that.

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

How long can you tread water?

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.

I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.

I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

It`s the little things that count when you`re a daddy. Like taking your little girl for ice cream. First, you have to teach her about the concept of gravity. I can`t tell you how many ice creams I`ve had to pick up off the floor, rinse off and stick back on my kid`s cone. Now that may sound strange, but have you bought ice cream lately? Good gosh, it`s up to 75 cents a scoop. A scoop! What`s in it, gold?

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.