Quotes & Jokes by Bill Cosby

168 quotes

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "and tired." I don't remember anything after that.

How long can you tread water?

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful" and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.

It`s the little things that count when you`re a daddy. Like taking your little girl for ice cream. First, you have to teach her about the concept of gravity. I can`t tell you how many ice creams I`ve had to pick up off the floor, rinse off and stick back on my kid`s cone. Now that may sound strange, but have you bought ice cream lately? Good gosh, it`s up to 75 cents a scoop. A scoop! What`s in it, gold?

Thank you for remembering me. I'm also happy to be accepting this trophy before I become incontinent.