Quotes & Jokes about Sex

Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

Sex after one child shows down. After twins… ooh… I’ll tell you what it is for us. I’ll share it with you. Every three months. We don’t plan it that way. That’s just how it works out. It’s the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it’s oral sex, I renew my driver’s license.

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.

I'm pretty sure 100% of animal sex is rape. It's just all rape.

You know what causes sexual thoughts? I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight. I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, 'cause outer space awaits our presence, we are better and more unique creatures than this and all eternity is our playground, so let me go ahead and clear this one issue up once and for all and let's move on to real issues. Can we? Great. Here's what causes sexual thoughts. Ready, drumroll: having a dick.

Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it’s harder than curling, and if you’re good at it, you deserve a medal.

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, "Sure. You first."

Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there’s like this whole added pressure to perform. ‘Cause it’s kinda like you’re not just humping for yourself. You’re humping for your race. You got to represent your people.

Life is like sex, baby - the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story.

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?

Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.