Quotes & Jokes by Bonnie McFarlane / page 2


Well I grew up in Canada in a really small town. We didn't have running water for a long time and we didn't have TV. Then when we did get TV we only had one channel.

Babies: they're not just for Puerto Ricans anymore.

I could never be a lesbian because I have a really good sense of humor.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Always been very creative. I always laughed at things that the rest of my family would sort of get angry, like not understand.

I think it’s creepy if a guy says, "I would never hit a girl." Cause that should go without saying. That’s like if you ever heard a guy go, "I would never crap in a hot tub."

Cocaine is yucky. I did it once: I was at a party; I was bored. I was like, 'Alright, I'll do a line.' Then I was just bored longer.

I get called "sweetheart" a lot by guys. You know a lot of women take offense at that, but when you've been called "cunt" enough times, it kind of takes the sting out of "sweetheart".

My sister might be dumb, but that doesn't make her all that different from the rest of us. She's just like any other American. Except she's Canadian. And retarded.

When you’re pregnant, people feel like they can come up and give you unsolicited advice. When I was nine months pregnant, this one woman came up and she said, "I have one word for you: epidural." And I was like, "Oh my God, thanks. But we already picked a name."

My neighbor says being gay is biological. And the reason she gives is she says, “I knew I was gay since I was five years old.” Five. I don’t know about you, but when I was five, I’d fuck a guy, fuck a girl, fuck a guy, fuck a girl. I was all over the map. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I didn’t figure that out until I was nine.

If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.

My sister likes comedy. And she likes it a little mean sometimes. She'll point out your fat ass or ask if you're wearing a wig. She knows how to dish it out, too.

Once my sister busted a nut watching a headliner I worked with. He closed his set by miming the insertion of a tampon up his asshole. I don't recall the exact joke. After his set my sister made a beeline for him, running roughshod over the other more delicate comedy groupies. She gushed about his tampon bit and then told him he should get an actual tampon and really stick it up there. And then she laughed like crazy. I thought it was a good note.

I jog, actually; I go at night. A lot of women, they don't like to go jogging alone at night. They're afraid they might get accosted. I go naked. That way, if there are any perverts around, they think I'm already being chased.

When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I'm a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.