Quotes & Jokes by Chris Hardwick

59 quotes

The difference being that a nerd would wear a D&D shirt because he loves D&D while a hipster would wear a D&D shirt because it’s ridiculous that he is wearing a D&D shirt.

No matter what tricks you use or what decisions you make, go easy on yourself as someone who’s on a never-ending quest for improvement.

Don't try to talk to me about sports. If a guy comes up and starts spitting out stats and what happened in the most recent game, to me, all he's saying is: 'Hey let's punch each other in the cock right after we pound these energy drinks out of a douche while we fuck our Ed Hardy t-shirts at dickhead camp.'

There are certain parts of a classic nerd’s brain that can destroy that person - obsessing about things to the detriment of everything else in your life. But those are the same tools that you can use to turn everything around.

A “Nerd” is someone who homes in on a topic to an almost quantum detail, much of the time at the expense of healthy social interaction.

So what happens when nerds all get rich is: there’s a politics to it. Where there is money there is power. So then everyone else is like: “Hey nerds are great!”

I realized my penis is like a retarded little brother. It means well, but ultimately it's driven by curiosity and the need to be hugged.

When I was in grade school I was into chess club, Latin club, D&D, computer camp - everything that made vaginas go away.

All boys' Catholic school is a lot like going to a regular school, except your teacher is a priest - with benefits. No, I'm kidding. I was never touched by any priest in school. Which makes me think, 'Am I not attractive?'

Being constructively critical is good, as long as your purpose is to improve your methods for future endeavors. Lying in bed and replaying failures and telling yourself you’re stupid is a tremendous disservice to your efforts and what you can offer the world.

If you wish to achieve any success in this life, do your best to surround yourself with an orgy of good choices.

The thing about hipsters is that they take very seriously trying to make themselves look like they don’t take themselves seriously.

Fleetwood Mac is just one of my all-time favorite bands.

Stand up straight. If you stand up straight, you will instantly feel better about yourself, and you will project a better image to the world, one that says you don't feel like you have to be hunched over and closed off.

Rats are just Ziploc bags full of disease.