Quotes & Jokes by Chris Hardwick

59 quotes

I realized my penis is like a retarded little brother. It means well, but ultimately it's driven by curiosity and the need to be hugged.

Don't try to talk to me about sports. If a guy comes up and starts spitting out stats and what happened in the most recent game, to me, all he's saying is: 'Hey let's punch each other in the cock right after we pound these energy drinks out of a douche while we fuck our Ed Hardy t-shirts at dickhead camp.'

Ah, self-confidence. You fickle, fickle slut, you. Sometimes you’re there, other times you’re with some other jerk, nowhere to be found. The idea of self-confidence is irritating the way it’s usually presented, like it’s some tangible ‘thing’ you can just throw onto your brain like a jacket.

Kids who are the product of old sperm are not right. The fresher the mayo, the better the sandwich. That is a very simple formula.

The war is over. The Nerds have won. This was no accident.

I'm going to start referring to anal sex as "getting accepted to Brown".

I honestly think hipsters eat with their assholes because they consume everything wrong.

All boys' Catholic school is a lot like going to a regular school, except your teacher is a priest - with benefits. No, I'm kidding. I was never touched by any priest in school. Which makes me think, 'Am I not attractive?'

Long ago you may have given up control of your brain and set it on autopilot either because it just felt like too much work. And it is work! But for me, this work was well worth it for the prospect of not waking up sad every day.

I do podcasts for the same reasons I do stand-up comedy. I love it, and I don’t care if anybody else gets it.

Alcohol is like pouring smiles on your brain.

The difference being that a nerd would wear a D&D shirt because he loves D&D while a hipster would wear a D&D shirt because it’s ridiculous that he is wearing a D&D shirt.

Sober strip clubs are horrible. When you are sober you see the matrix code behind a strip club. You're paying girls to pretend to like you until you run out of money so they can walk away.

No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.

Ladies, I will fuck you with my second place chess trophy. I have a first place chess trophy but the second place has the bishop on top - and that is for you.