Quotes and Jokes by Chris Hardwick

Christopher Ryan Hardwick is an American stand-up comedian, actor, television host, writer, producer, and podcaster.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 59)

#16

Long ago you may have given up control of your brain and set it on autopilot either because it just felt like too much work. And it is work! But for me, this work was well worth it for the prospect of not waking up sad every day.

6
#17

The war is over. The Nerds have won. This was no accident.

6
#18

Do you think Patrick Swayze now goes up behind people in pottery classes and hugs them just to crack up other ghosts?

6
#19

Jokes that make me laugh out loud when I write them almost always bomb. I have no idea why.

6
#20

The thing about hipsters is that they take very seriously trying to make themselves look like they don’t take themselves seriously.

6
#21

It’s very easy to attack ourselves. Even comforting in its familiarity, but you must resist this urge at all costs. Dwelling on the past or your perceived flaws will do nothing but keep you under emotional house arrest and hamper your progress. Commit yourself to growth and reward yourself with kindness for choosing to do so!

5
#22

A lot of people complain in the year 2003 that it's not the world of tomorrow as foreseen in the 1950s. 'Where are the flying cars?' people say. 'Where are the robots who bring us blue drinks and warn us of danger?' Alright. We don't have those things, specifically, folks, but you know what we do have? Laser vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

5
#23

There are certain parts of a classic nerd’s brain that can destroy that person - obsessing about things to the detriment of everything else in your life. But those are the same tools that you can use to turn everything around.

5
#24

Being constructively critical is good, as long as your purpose is to improve your methods for future endeavors. Lying in bed and replaying failures and telling yourself you’re stupid is a tremendous disservice to your efforts and what you can offer the world.

3
#25

I do podcasts for the same reasons I do stand-up comedy. I love it, and I don’t care if anybody else gets it.

3
#26

When you don't take an aggressive role in shaping your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, you become a helpless passenger floating through the universe like a ghost ship, merely reacting to wherever it takes you.

3
#27

It changed my whole outlook. I lost a decade to self-pity, and the next thing I knew I was turning 40.

3
#28

I was worried if I got my driver’s license I’d start winning all the NASCAR races.

2
#29

Playing Xbox for 23 hours straight is cool and all, but I’m going to teach you how to spend time on things in your life that will get you the following two things: paid and laid.

2
#30

You don’t have to go from zero to… the Dos Equis guy. You can take smaller steps.

2