Quotes & Jokes by Dave Chappelle / page 2


My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'

All I'll say about Elian is thank God he's Cuban. 'Cause if he was Haitian you'd've never heard about his ass. If Elian Gonzales was Elian Mumumbo from Haiti, they would've pushed that little rubber tube right back in the water. "Sorry little fella, all full. Good luck!"

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

I was on vacation at Disney World, and everybody kept coming up to me and saying 'Hey, I'm Rick James, bitch.' I was like, 'Could you not call me a bitch in front of my kids?'

If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.

The old baby on the corner trick a, not gonna fall for that shit.

Lady, I'm just a nigga that loves titties.

Who got the part? Chris Tucker? Shit! Who got the other part? Tell me man. Jackie Chan? That mother fucker can't even speak English!

The language you are about to hear... is disturbing.

I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.

I don't really frick with Africa cause people are starving to death and that's not ballin' to me.

And I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, see gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store, where the fuck you taking me?

I look at it like that word, 'nigger', used to be a word of oppression. But that when I say it, it feels more like an act of freedom. For me to be able to say that unapologetically on television.

I don’t do drugs, though. Just weed.

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.