Quotes & Jokes by Dave Chappelle / page 2

121 quotes

I was on vacation at Disney World, and everybody kept coming up to me and saying 'Hey, I'm Rick James, bitch.' I was like, 'Could you not call me a bitch in front of my kids?'

The old baby on the corner trick a, not gonna fall for that shit.

And I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, see gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store, where the fuck you taking me?

All I'll say about Elian is thank God he's Cuban. 'Cause if he was Haitian you'd've never heard about his ass. If Elian Gonzales was Elian Mumumbo from Haiti, they would've pushed that little rubber tube right back in the water. "Sorry little fella, all full. Good luck!"

If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.

Lady, I'm just a nigga that loves titties.

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'

I look at it like that word, 'nigger', used to be a word of oppression. But that when I say it, it feels more like an act of freedom. For me to be able to say that unapologetically on television.

Who got the part? Chris Tucker? Shit! Who got the other part? Tell me man. Jackie Chan? That mother fucker can't even speak English!

Just cuz I eat Chicken and Watermelon they think that something’s wrong with me. Let me tell you somethin if you don’t like chicken and watermelon, something is wrong with you, there is something wrong with you! Where are all these people who don't like Chicken and Watermelon? I'm sick of hearing about how bad it is, it's great! I'm waiting for Chicken to approach me to do a commercial nigga, I'll do it for free Chicken! It's the least I can do.

I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.

I don't really frick with Africa cause people are starving to death and that's not ballin' to me.

If you're Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, and your marriage is breaking up - that's an awful thing. But to see that speculation in people, it's gotta sting a little bit.

The language you are about to hear... is disturbing.