Quotes and Jokes by David Brenner

David Norris Brenner was an American stand-up comedian, actor and author. The most frequent guest on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson in the 1970s and 1980s, Brenner "was a pioneer of observational comedy."

Top 15 Quotes (out of 23)


We cannot attain the presence of God. We're already totally in the presence of Fod. What's missing is awareness.


Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.


A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.


It isn't how much time you spend somewhere that makes it memorable; it's how you spend the time.


You know you're getting old when... you start to dress in more than six colours.


What we want to do is raise the bare minimum amount that will give us a large enough microphone to effectively convey our message. Unfortunately, $20 million is critical mass in terms of running an effective campaign in New York.


When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.


These particles can damage the cells in the lining of our lungs and produce lung cancer.


When Mrs. Clinton ran for office, she promised economic growth across New York state, to bring in more than 200,000 jobs, ... She has not. We have lost jobs to outsourcing and globalization and to sending our jobs and industries to foreign countries.


I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.


You know you're getting old when kids start to dress like you used to and movies are made about your teen life.


The truth is that God is to be found in all things - even and most especially in the painful, tragic and unpleasant things.


I said, 'How would you like to be in one place?' He said, 'What place?' I could have said, 'Des Moines.'


Digital brand integration is part of the evolution of product placement. It's simply another tool marketers use to get products integrated into shows. If you can put it in a package, we can put it in a show.


The bar has been raised for both Chicago teams.