Quotes and Jokes by David Brenner

We cannot attain the presence of God. We're already totally in the presence of Fod. What's missing is awareness.

Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

It isn't how much time you spend somewhere that makes it memorable; it's how you spend the time.

What we want to do is raise the bare minimum amount that will give us a large enough microphone to effectively convey our message. Unfortunately, $20 million is critical mass in terms of running an effective campaign in New York.

You know you're getting old when... you start to dress in more than six colours.

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

You know you're getting old when kids start to dress like you used to and movies are made about your teen life.

These particles can damage the cells in the lining of our lungs and produce lung cancer.

When Mrs. Clinton ran for office, she promised economic growth across New York state, to bring in more than 200,000 jobs, ... She has not. We have lost jobs to outsourcing and globalization and to sending our jobs and industries to foreign countries.

Nothing is going to stop Mike Tyson that doesn't have a motor attached.

I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.

The truth is that God is to be found in all things - even and most especially in the painful, tragic and unpleasant things.

I said, 'How would you like to be in one place?' He said, 'What place?' I could have said, 'Des Moines.'

Digital brand integration is part of the evolution of product placement. It's simply another tool marketers use to get products integrated into shows. If you can put it in a package, we can put it in a show.