Quotes & Jokes by Dennis Miller / page 2

152 quotes

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?

I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.

The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: 'Hey you stinking fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort.'

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.

After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things - first, never wallpaper together, and second, you'll need two bathrooms... both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.