Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard / page 7
There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.”
Whats that star? It's the Death Star. What does it do? It does Death! It does Death buddy! Get out of my way.
If there was a God, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?
There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
This is a 14th century Ming... thing. Made out of Ming by Mr. Ming during the Ming Period. If you don't like Ming, don't touch this one.
I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts.
What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.
Socrates was killed… by his own people. He was! Coz he questioned everything… ‘When is a house a house?’ ‘Just chill-out will you?’ ‘If I’m out of the house am I chilling-out? Am I chilling-in if I’m in the house? Ugg, ahhh.’ ‘What is a sword? Is it made of folded metal?' 'If I die on the floor can I get up in these heels?’
But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"
D'you remember that famous fight, George Formby against Muhammad Ali? Ah, it was brilliant. Dyslexic promoter put it on.
There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?
My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.