Quotes & Jokes by Janeane Garofalo

111 quotes

Last night, I went to a birthday party, and this girl brought a cake and a cheesecake. And the other girls that lived in the apartment, I swear to God, all night long: 'You're taking that cake with you when you go. That cake's not staying in this house.' Like it's this evil, Hope Diamond, nuclear, horrifying cursed thing.

They have these runway shows and then they have a commentator going, "A return to glamor this season. A pretty face is your best asset this season." As opposed to last season. When ugly girls had a free ride. When back fat was all the rage.

Let's be very honest about what this is about. It's not about bashing Democrats, it's not about taxes, they have no idea what the Boston tea party was about, they don't know their history at all. This is about hating a black man in the White House. This is racism straight up.

I think I failed miserably on NewsRadio. I was very nervous because of the caliber of the cast - especially Dave Foley - so I think I did a terrible job.

Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.

Listen, young people, I understand narcissism - clearly. But at least I have the decency to hate myself. And that's what's missing from the young people. They don't have the debilitating self-loathing and the second guessing.

There's been times when I have actually had sex indoors. And then you kind of sober up a little when it's over. I become like a bartender at 2 AM. "OK, people, let's move it out! Yeah, you don't have to go home but you can’t stay here."

Men are allowed to age. Men are allowed to gain weight. Men are allowed to be quirky looking.

This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.

This world is bullshit. And just because I appear in music video wherein I am in my underwear, and make young women feel not good enough so that they become anorxeic; and okay, maybe because of that I became popular more quickly than other singers who are, I don't know, maybe more talented or better songwriters. That doesn't matter because, and... um... my boyfriend is a magician, and he can pull a quarter out of your ear and say things like 'We have not met before have we?' Go with yourself.

Should have dogs before they have kids. Everybody.

Our country is founded on a sham: our forefathers were slave-owning rich white guys who wanted it their way. So when I see the American flag, I go, "Oh my God, you're insulting me." That you can have a gay parade on Christopher Street in New York, with naked men and women on a float cheering, 'We're here, we're queer!" - that's what makes my heart swell. Not the flag, but a gay naked man or woman burning the flag. I get choked up with pride.

To a right-winger, unions are awful. Why do right-wingers hate unions? Because collective bargaining is the power that a worker has against the corporation. Right-wingers hate that.

Red flag of the eating disorder: the muffin. Keep your eye on the ladies with the muffins... and sometimes I'll just eat the muffin top.

Not that I was ever an asshole but I used to be much more of a bulldozer.