Quotes and Jokes by Janeane Garofalo

Janeane Marie Garofalo is an American actress, voice artist, stand-up comedian, and writer. Garofalo began her career as a stand-up comedian and became a cast member on The Ben Stiller Show, The Larry Sanders Show, and Saturday Night Live.

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 110)

#1

Our country is founded on a sham: our forefathers were slave-owning rich white guys who wanted it their way. So when I see the American flag, I go, "Oh my God, you're insulting me." That you can have a gay parade on Christopher Street in New York, with naked men and women on a float cheering, 'We're here, we're queer!" - that's what makes my heart swell. Not the flag, but a gay naked man or woman burning the flag. I get choked up with pride.

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#2

Red flag of the eating disorder: the muffin. Keep your eye on the ladies with the muffins... and sometimes I'll just eat the muffin top.

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#3

Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.

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#4

They have these runway shows and then they have a commentator going, "A return to glamor this season. A pretty face is your best asset this season." As opposed to last season. When ugly girls had a free ride. When back fat was all the rage.

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#5

This world is bullshit. And just because I appear in music video wherein I am in my underwear, and make young women feel not good enough so that they become anorxeic; and okay, maybe because of that I became popular more quickly than other singers who are, I don't know, maybe more talented or better songwriters. That doesn't matter because, and... um... my boyfriend is a magician, and he can pull a quarter out of your ear and say things like 'We have not met before have we?' Go with yourself.

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#6

This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.

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#7

There's been times when I have actually had sex indoors. And then you kind of sober up a little when it's over. I become like a bartender at 2 AM. "OK, people, let's move it out! Yeah, you don't have to go home but you can’t stay here."

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#8

Listen, young people, I understand narcissism - clearly. But at least I have the decency to hate myself. And that's what's missing from the young people. They don't have the debilitating self-loathing and the second guessing.

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#9

When Communist U.S.S.R. was a superpower, the world was better off. The right-wing media is trying to marginalize the peace movement.

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#10

Dog Park was a blast. I love Bruce McCulloch. That was a case of the studio taking the cut away from the director, and it went from being a great movie to a shitty movie. Bruce's original cut that I saw was hilarious.

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#11

I think I failed miserably on NewsRadio. I was very nervous because of the caliber of the cast - especially Dave Foley - so I think I did a terrible job.

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#12

I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle.

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#13

Not that I was ever an asshole but I used to be much more of a bulldozer.

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#14

Rejection kills, disappointment only maims.

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#15

I was a 36C or D, and at 5' 1'', I knew that being a small person with big boobs standing in front of an audience was not going to be easy. It would be really hard to get people to pay attention to me without mocking me. Getting a breast reduction to prepare for my career was no different from people who work to get good grades to get into a good college to get into a good graduate school to get a good job. I went down to a B cup, and it was the best thing in the whole world.

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