Quotes and Jokes by Jim Carrey

James Eugene Carrey is a Canadian-American actor, comedian, writer, and artist. He is known for his energetic slapstick performances. Carrey first gained recognition in America in 1990 after landing a recurring role in the sketch comedy television series In Living Color.

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 139)

#1

Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.

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#2

Good morning! And in case I don't see you: good afternoon, good evening and good night.

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#3

He who hesitates, masturbates.

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#4

You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.

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#5

Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!

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#6

The early bird gathers no moss! The rolling stone catches the worm.

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#7

Here it goes: I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more, I failed to yeild at a crosswalk, I changed lanes in the intersection, I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!

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#8

What are you waiting for? An engraved invitation?

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#9

Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.

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#10

Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.

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#11

I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah... has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it.

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#12

Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'!

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#13

One man's toxic waste is another man's potpourri.

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#14

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

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#15

Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.

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