Quotes & Jokes by Lenny Bruce / page 3


There are never enough I Love You's.

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

I sort of felt sorry for the damned flies. They never hurt anybody. Even though they were supposed to carry diseases I never heard of anybody saying they caught something form a fly. My cousin gave two guys the clap and nobody ever whacked her with a paper.

Four years working in clubs - that's what really made it for me - every night: doing it, doing it, doing it, getting bored and doing different ways, no pressure on you, and all the other comedians are drunken bums who don't show up, so I could try anything.

The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is.

There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time... they're gone.

I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.

If a titty is pretty, it's dirty but not if it's bloody and maimed.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.

Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient tribes of Judea, or one who is regarded as descended from that tribe. That's what it says in the dictionary; but you and I know what a Jew is - One Who Killed Our Lord. And although there should be a statute of limitations for that crime, it seems that those who neither have the actions nor the gait of Christians, pagan or not, will bust us out, unrelenting dues, for another deuce.

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do...."

"Sex" and "obscenity" are not synonymous.