Quotes & Jokes by Ray Romano / page 2
I was wracked with insecurity.
You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.
If you ever want to go golfing, take Brad with you. He will make you look better. He came in dead last. There were 75 celebrities and pro athletes and he came in dead last.
I remember the first time my wife (then girlfriend) came over to the basement. I spent the entire day cleaning it, just so I could say, “Sorry the place is such a mess.” I had to clean all day to qualify for mess status.
You try to pretend like you're paying attention to your family, but in the meantime, you're like "Grandma, can you pass the gravy? I'm open!"
I want to do well and I want to fit in.
I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy.
I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.
I have this mistress: show business.
My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.
I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.
I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.
I've since converted to a different sect of Catholicism - part-time Catholicism.
I wanted to do something different, but it`s a weird transition you`re making here. You`re trying to get the audience to come with you.
If a guy’s ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying to you, but for lying to himself. As a matter of fact, stop him right in the middle of the story and just hug him. Nine times out of ten he’ll just break down and cry. He knows you know.