For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.
Quotes and Jokes by Ray Romano
Top 15 Quotes (out of 109)
My twin boys are two and they’re cute… but when they become adults, the danger of identical twins, I hope they’re handsome. Because if they’re even slightly ugly, there’s two of those. You notice that. If you see one slightly ugly man walk across the room that’s no big deal. But if you see the same ugliness right behind him. “Hey! Look at that… I didn’t think he was that ugly until I saw it again.”
Sex after one child shows down. After twins… ooh… I’ll tell you what it is for us. I’ll share it with you. Every three months. We don’t plan it that way. That’s just how it works out. It’s the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it’s oral sex, I renew my driver’s license.
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.
I had a very Italian house - the “plastic furniture you couldn’t sit on” house. Did anybody have the museum house? For a kid it’s traumatic. Towels you can never touch. China no one’s ever gonna use. Everything is for a special occasion that never happens. My mother was waiting for the Pope to show up for dinner. Or Sinatra. Or Chachi.
My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.
When you talk to a kid on the phone, you gotta remember the conversation could go in any direction. You just gotta get ready. There’s no segues in the conversation. “Dad, are you coming home tomorrow?” “No, I’m not.” “I have 1,000 pennies.”
You try to pretend like you're paying attention to your family, but in the meantime, you're like "Grandma, can you pass the gravy? I'm open!"
My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.
When you wake up one day and say, “You know what? I don’t think I ever need to sleep or have sex again.” Congratulations, you're ready to have children.
Now, each baby is different, but this baby, whom we will call Hypothetical...
"Eulogy" which is the independent film I did this Spring is being screened this week, but I'm just part of a large ensemble cast, so they can't blame me totally if it tanks.
We want to recognize that it is the end of the show without really saying it. But we'll satisfy the audience's desire for a little heart.
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.