Quotes & Jokes about Celebrities

27 quotes

Some guy workin’ at Home Depot, he wants to fuck just as many women as a celebrity. But he can’t do it, because whores don’t care about lumber.

I don’t understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I’d be glad to share with him.

I've let chicks think I'm another celebrity just to get laid, just to get any sex. I wish I had a dime for every time in the '90s a chick left New York City thinking she fucked Newman from "Seinfeld".

I don't like being out in public too much. I don't like going to bars. I don't like doing celebrity stuff.

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.

I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are "ruining the sanctity of marriage," it's celebrities.

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

Being a celebrity you always get really good seats to sporting events but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. So one of the scams I have going now is I want to learn sports photography so I can get better seats at a sporting event.

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show is all about, what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.

I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.

I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.