Quotes & Jokes about Celebrities

27 quotes

Some guy workin’ at Home Depot, he wants to fuck just as many women as a celebrity. But he can’t do it, because whores don’t care about lumber.

I don’t understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I’d be glad to share with him.

I've let chicks think I'm another celebrity just to get laid, just to get any sex. I wish I had a dime for every time in the '90s a chick left New York City thinking she fucked Newman from "Seinfeld".

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

I don't like being out in public too much. I don't like going to bars. I don't like doing celebrity stuff.

Celebrities are just normal, screwed up people like everyone else who just don't know who you are. You're just as important.

I have this dream life where I get to be a celebrity but I get to navigate the world fairly easily because I'm always in character.

You know what kills me about Jennifer Lopez? The fact that this woman wakes up one day and she's like, 'You know what? From now on, I'd like people to call me J-Lo,' and then they do it. Only a celebrity can get away with this. George Bush doesn't come out for his morning press conferences: 'From now on, I'd like to be referred to as G-Bu. Y'all know my vice president, Dog Chain.'

Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.

Being a celebrity you always get really good seats to sporting events but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. So one of the scams I have going now is I want to learn sports photography so I can get better seats at a sporting event.

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

If you ever want to go golfing, take Brad with you. He will make you look better. He came in dead last. There were 75 celebrities and pro athletes and he came in dead last.

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.

I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal.