Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1000

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

My girlfriend’s a redhead; No hair, just a red head.

Amtrak announced this week that they plan to install cable TV into their sleeper births. Great. So now you can watch your derailment live on CNN.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button!

I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?

And hold on, I'm sure they're pissed off about something.

We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.

I am furious about everything.

Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.

If I ever get the chance, I'd like to force a mailman to eat his own mail.

Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, "Christ, what's that smell?"

A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.