Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1000
If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?
When you're in your 20s and 30s and you drop some weight, people notice, they're nice about it. They're like, 'Hey man, you look good!' But when you're in your 40s and you lose weight, people are like, 'You doin' all right?'
My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
I was what they call a “fussy eater.” ‘He’s fussy! He’s a fussy eater!’ “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “Big pain in the ass.”
Mr. Charles Darwin, who looked a bit like God which is interesting, wrote a book called You're a Fucking Money, Mate. He played around with the title for a while: We're All Fucking Monkeys; You're a Fucking Monkey, Mate; Get Out of My Face, You Fucking Monkey. And he ended up with On The Origin of Species.
Bush proposed a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Some saw the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others saw it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President... Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding.
"I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.
You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.