Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1000
That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.
I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.
I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.
People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.
A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was "strudel."
I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'
Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, "Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn." Never got a dinner!
Mr. Charles Darwin, who looked a bit like God which is interesting, wrote a book called You're a Fucking Money, Mate. He played around with the title for a while: We're All Fucking Monkeys; You're a Fucking Monkey, Mate; Get Out of My Face, You Fucking Monkey. And he ended up with On The Origin of Species.
Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.
Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.