Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1001

"Do you know what it is sir? Do you know what the Dance Dance Revolution is? It's not an actual revolution, so you don't have to worry about that. It's not like a bunch of Asians are going to knock on your door 'Hey! Start dancing!'"

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue.

All bitches have a heart.

(Unlikely lines to hear on a TV Show ) Welcome to Blind Date with me , Stevie Wonder.

I'm doing 5000 seat theaters and audiences are going nuts, it's fantastic and it makes me very happy. I'm dirty, but not like this; I just do comedy that I find funny. I'm working on a new tv show for cable and it's not set up yet.

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I would have felt a little funny if another actor was playing this role.

I loved Peter Sellers. I thought he was the perfect mix of physical comedy with out-of-the-box humor. I loved his tone; I loved his physicality; I loved everything about what he was doing as a comedic actor.

I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat.

We come into this world totally defenseless. A bundle of soft, toothless cartilage that can't roll over, focus, or hold in it's own spit. Then, while you're lying there all helpless some doctor walks in and chops off the end of your penis. Who's a happy baby? Who is? Yes, you are.

I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, midlife for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter miler, who's son now says, "Dad, I just can't run the quarter with you anymore unless I bring something to read."

I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.