Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1001

Here's the analogy. If my body were a car, I'd be thinking about trading it in around now. I would like to upgrade. I would be actually on the lot somewhere and some guy with a loud sports jacket would be sizing me up... kinda looking around going maybe kicking my knees. Looking behind me going: "That looks a little bashed in back there...Yeah. You mind if I check under the hood?" "Well yes I do! Thank you very much."

You're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

You might be a redneck if Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

They tell me that they love me... then they try to kiss me.

People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through.

Or is it that I think too much?

If I would've married me I would have outlawed foreplay. I would have been pissed at myself in bed but had more time to read great novels.

Only then does he realize what he has done to Mirabelle, how wanting a square inch of her and not all of her has damaged them both, and how he cannot justify his actions except that, well, it was life.

You know, folks, the French have always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends, and almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.

Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly fight back.

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.