Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1001

[about fizzy drinks machines] Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it's just like *KABOOM!*

What is the speed of dark?

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through.

Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

I'd rather be wrong than think I'm right and bug people.

Rejected names for World War II: ‘Global Super Killfest’, ‘Germaniacal Japandamonium’, ‘World War 1: New Moon’.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.