Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1001
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.
To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.
I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I’m a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.
He admitted this was stupid. It's a very serious offence. I wouldn't consider it a prank. ... It could have turned into something that caused far more injury, and even death, than it did.
He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
In my stand-up, I’ve always been loose. If there’s a curtain onstage, I’ll use that in my act. If there’s a door, I’ll use the door. I always like to use everything at my disposal, which makes each show a little different and a little more fun.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”
61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.