Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1001

... you've probably worked out by now that all our songs are ridiculously long to make up for the total lack of content.

I would like one day to not only pop a hymen but actually pull the plastic off the vagina, unwrap the vagina.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

You might be a redneck if you move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can't do that anymore.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Finally there is someone that you can invest in that looks like you, speaks like you, relates to things you relate to, and make our culture okay to talk about.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

If you're already so low on the parental totem pole, skill-wise, that you're letting your child scream "frickin'" in a public place... just let 'em say "fuck." He's already going to prison. Don't make him a bottom-bunk, too.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.