Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 999

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can’t tell their sixteen year old daughter she’s not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I’m a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I'm a peripheral visionary.

Unlike Ray Porter, his love is fearless and without reservation.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.'

Fatherhood is asking your son to make up a name rather than tell anybody who he is.

Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.

I am willing to commit espionage against the United States by providing your country with highly classified information.

I can't think of a worse place to be, without a passport, without any money, ... Then you'd be really screwed.

They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.