Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 999

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Why do kids always say peace out, I though peace was in.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

I honestly can't remember the last time I hit myself in the head with a hammer.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

I got myself a snack of low-sodium, low-fat Triscuits. If they were lower in anything else the box would be empty.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.