Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 999

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

The auction houses seemed not as dull as their financial counterparts on Wall Street, where parents of daughters imagined glass celings and bottom patting.

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.

I am willing to commit espionage against the United States by providing your country with highly classified information.

I can't think of a worse place to be, without a passport, without any money, ... Then you'd be really screwed.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.'

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?

Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

Who better to do drugs than high school kids; what are you going to fuck up that bad when you're seventeen years old?

Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.