Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 999

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

I didn't know you could name a Puerto Rican 'Israel' 'cause I'm pretty sure you'll never meet a Jew named 'Puerto Rico.'

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn’t really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!

Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…

You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.