Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 999

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of a freak has 1,000 pages of medical records.

We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.

My father was a small claims court jester.

People are going to see both of us and think it's an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It's not an easy switch. It's not an easy transition from TV to film.

Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

My girlfriend’s a redhead; No hair, just a red head.

Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.

I would like one day to not only pop a hymen but actually pull the plastic off the vagina, unwrap the vagina.

[Seeing Benny's breast implants] My God, Mom! You swallowed a bouncy house!

Massachusetts became the first state to marry gay couples, though lawmakers say allowing gay couples to get married raises a lot of questions. You know, such as: does that best man invite both guys to the bachelor party?

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.