Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1010
I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail and hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit and thrive.
Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.
John Wilkes Booth, who said, "Sorry, I thought he was a critic." Never got a dinner!
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."
Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.
Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
They’ve bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they’ve put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don’t have to wake anybody up!
You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat.
It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.
Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.
If I could go back to any decade it wouldn’t be the 80s, it would be the 70s. See we didn’t have all those computer games in the 70s, we had real games. Do you remember mouse trap? (audience cheers). Yeah, we didn’t have that...