Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1010
I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.'
I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
They debated NAFTA for a long time: should we sign it or not? Either way the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating “which policy is better for America,” - don’t bend over.
I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family...
South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!
It's like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”
I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.
For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.