Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1010

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

You got to be careful of the company you keep.

What goes up must come down, which is why I don't wear tube tops.

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

I'm not playing with you. I will blow that black, crusty, dead knarled motherfucker the fuck off your foot! Now put the razor away!

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.

I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

Only then does he realize what he has done to Mirabelle, how wanting a square inch of her and not all of her has damaged them both, and how he cannot justify his actions except that, well, it was life.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.