Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1010

I never set out to do a sketch show.

They tell me that they love me... then they try to kiss me.

I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

If I would've married me I would have outlawed foreplay. I would have been pissed at myself in bed but had more time to read great novels.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I’m fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

In my stand-up, I’ve always been loose. If there’s a curtain onstage, I’ll use that in my act. If there’s a door, I’ll use the door. I always like to use everything at my disposal, which makes each show a little different and a little more fun.

As I stand in line at southwest I feel the urge to moo really loud or scream.

I tried to be rigorously honest with my flaws and it was clear that I couldn't be friends with myself.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.