Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1026
It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.
My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.
Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
When I was growing up, we had a petting zoo, and, well, we had two sections. We had a petting zoo, and then we had a heavy-petting zoo. For people who really liked the animals a lot.
Did you hear what he said before he was elected? He goes, 'I'm going to go through the national budget, line by line, and I'm going to cut out everything we don't need.' Did you see the inauguration? They flew out his high school marching band from Hawaii. Maybe it's me, but shouldn't 30 Hawaiian tuba players be somewhere near the top of the 'Shit We Don't Need' column in the national budget?
You might be a redneck if you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.
Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on.