Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1026

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

I actually like talking.

Did you hear this – Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami. I mean she said, "These Tsunamians will not get away with this". Oh speaking of dumb twats, did you...

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

Here's what the right-wing has in, there's no shortage of the natural resources of ignorance, apathy, hate, fear. As long as those things are in the collective conscious and unconscious, the Republicans will have some votes.

I’ll do anything for my wife, it’s turning out.

You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake.

My cat’s fully capable of speaking, but he says he’s afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.

In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can't get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.