Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1026

You can't get un-famous. You can get infamous, but you can't get un-famous.

We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Woman are always thinking. Always. Their brains are continuously working. They are just thinking of shit all the time. Right now Vicky could be looking at the stage and thinking "I wonder what the stage is made out of. Is that microphone heavy? What if its a heavy microphone."

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

The only weapon we have is comedy.

When I moved in with this lady, I just... I mean, I walked into the bedroom - you know, we're looking at this apartment - and I said, 'What's this handwriting on the wall?'

But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.