Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1026

I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!

You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ...And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

If you have to work at feeling lust towards your significant other maybe it is time to get a day job.

When we’re picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do.

I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

You know, I think you're a very special unit.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.