Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1027
The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it.
I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.
To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.
Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.
In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family...
Mad Cow Disease? I gotta be afraid of fucking cows now? And Canadian cows, I feel like such a puss.
It's like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.
What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?
The laughs are honestly bigger, ... They are the kind of unexpected belly laughs you get with your friends during conversation.
Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.
There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.
Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of a freak has 1,000 pages of medical records.