Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1027
Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."
I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?
It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.
You don't want to take the world over with a whole hamper full of dirty clothes. That's the main thing people overlook. And take a shower, take a bath every day.
When you speak directly at things and don't say you're going to try to do something or that you hope to do something, the universe will work with you. Think about it this way - a boomerang goes out and comes back to you if you throw it. If you throw it out at the universe, it will come back down to you on Earth.
Let me tell you about Australia. It’s really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you’re a gleam in your father’s eye.
You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.
55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!
You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
When I moved in with this lady, I just... I mean, I walked into the bedroom - you know, we're looking at this apartment - and I said, 'What's this handwriting on the wall?'
Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.