Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1027
(In response to ‘Things You’re Unlikely to Hear on a Quiz Show’) “Look at what you could have won, if you went to school.”
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
(On the Edinburgh Festival) I must get some kind of masochistic pleasure out of it. But I have no idea why I go there. No idea at all.
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.
You might be a redneck if the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
If you come home to a household of chaos and anger and fear, you're not going to feel protected from the world.
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
Rush Limbaugh. He should come out everyday with shit on his face. And just sit down at that fucking desk with that smug stupid little smile and say, “I was talking to Pat Robertson today as you can see.”
They used to have a smoking section at the airport. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You’re not just a smoker, you’re an example to other people. You’re an exhibit at a futuristic zoo. You’re in a nicotine terrarium. There ought to be a sign that says, “The addict in his natural environment.”
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family...