Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1027
I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.
I'm feeling so good. I feel like a million bucks. I'm focused, I'm alert, I'm zippy and top of my game. I've never felt better! I'm sharp as a tack right now. And what's weird is that I didn't get a good nights sleep last night. And they say that's the most important thing. Or is it breakfast they said? That's the most important meal of the day, breakfast... yes. And then it's 'i' before 'e' I know that. Um... diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dog is a man's best friend.. What was I talking about? Oh, that's right, that I feel great and I'm at the top of my game. And it's odd because I didn't get hardly any sleep last night. And, they say that's the most important thing.
I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.
Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children’s television PBS is on the house.
When I was seven, I watched "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life, and I was stunned, because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.
Zsa Zsa Gabor, the only woman ever to apply for group alimony. Never got a dinner!
(In response to ‘Things You’re Unlikely to Hear on a Quiz Show’) “Look at what you could have won, if you went to school.”
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.
I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.