Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1027

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

I was married once before, and I stopped.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of a freak has 1,000 pages of medical records.

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

If you think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup, you might be a redneck.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.