Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1028
Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating.
Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.
The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.
Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
That’s America for you - a red herring culture, always scared of the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald’s, Marlboro and K Street.
I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.
Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin."
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
Girls always have to call somebody when something slightly traumatic almost happens. (Mimes phone call)<br /> (Girl voice) “Ohmigod, you’ll never guess what almost happened.”<br /> (himself) “Let me guess: nothing. Because it’s almost. Goodbye.” Click.