Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1028
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
John Wilkes Booth, who said, "Sorry, I thought he was a critic." Never got a dinner!
There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.
When I moved in with this lady, I just... I mean, I walked into the bedroom - you know, we're looking at this apartment - and I said, 'What's this handwriting on the wall?'
The Americans want to build a big tower on the site of September the 11th. Freedom Tower they're going to call it but now apparently they're worried and they're looking at ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should have just build a giant fucking mosque. No one is going to fly into that are they?! Or even better, a runway. How galling would it be to high-jack a plane, and then come in and make a fucking text book landing.
A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.