Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1028

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.

“I’ve got a little baby, I made him…He doesn’t speak, he’s 2…He’s a slow learner, he’s only got 2 words…car and map…I’m slightly worried he’s trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!”

Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.

Tittie bars got weird morality. One time I walked into a tittie bar - all these guys coming in, right? Out of these dudes, the bouncer picked me out of the crowd and started yelling at me. “Hey Buddy! Sir! Sir! You wanna take your hat off? It’s disrespectful to the ladies.” Yeah, I can shove a twenty up her ass but I better not have a hat on when I do it.

It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.

Sex is scary cause you can die but worse than that, you could feel.

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.

Maybe other people will try to limit me but I don't limit myself.

Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.

My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.

I love playing ego and insecurity combined.

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.