Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1028
You might be a redneck if you've ever been arrested for loitering.
Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.
I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.
Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.
But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
Once you've been an astronaut and you've gone on a mission, doesn't the rest of your life just add up to one big disappointment after another? What are their daily lives like? ‘Golly gee, I caught a fish! Ha ha! This reminds me of that time I walked on the fucking moon!’