Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1029
If you have to work at feeling lust towards your significant other maybe it is time to get a day job.
If we’re friends with someone and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further.
When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.
I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.