Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1029
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime rate.
The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.
When you speak directly at things and don't say you're going to try to do something or that you hope to do something, the universe will work with you. Think about it this way - a boomerang goes out and comes back to you if you throw it. If you throw it out at the universe, it will come back down to you on Earth.
You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.
I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.
They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. I'm fucked.
It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?