Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1030
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick …
Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn’t quite master the bulimia.
You might be a redneck if you have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.
You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.