Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1030
Sex is scary cause you can die but worse than that, you could feel.
You can't get un-famous. You can get infamous, but you can't get un-famous.
There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.
My cat’s fully capable of speaking, but he says he’s afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.
It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".
A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."
Did you know that 10% of all Americans have not had sex in 5 years? I didn't know there were so many Republicans...
GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who as we all know before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
But I just think I was lucky enough to figure out early on that I wanted to do comedy, so that's what I put all my effort into.
If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.