Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1030
I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?
I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.
It's like, it's kind of like if you ever had a car and it was a bit of a clunker but you love it, that's my show. It's a bit of a clunker but I know where everything is and I like it.
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"
When you speak directly at things and don't say you're going to try to do something or that you hope to do something, the universe will work with you. Think about it this way - a boomerang goes out and comes back to you if you throw it. If you throw it out at the universe, it will come back down to you on Earth.
You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.
55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I would do a scene with a little kid and they’d turn to me afterwards and say, "I love you Eddie Murphy". That’s a new thing for me, to have a co-star in a scene turn to me and tell me they love me. In "48 Hours" Nick Nolte never turned to me and said "I love you Ed”.