Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1030

I tell people all the time, as I was going through my process of being a comedian or being an actor and a writer at 'SNL,' I tell people that everything you do is all a piece of your puzzle to determine where you're going to end up at.

I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.

My family wasn't the Brady Bunch. They were the Broody Bunch.

[after drunkenly getting his ear pierced]<br /> I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And [my wife] goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"

I've heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone.

(In response to ‘Things You’re Unlikely to Hear on a Quiz Show’) “Look at what you could have won, if you went to school.”

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.

I was at peace with it; I'd taken his hatred and insecurity-driven malice and turned it into fame, money, and of course, pussy.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

I'd like to die like my father died... My father died fucking. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.

Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

You might be a redneck if there are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.