Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1030
I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.
What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized.
Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.
Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.
The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.
You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.
I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I'm not religious anymore, but I think it's like papal infallibility, which is a ridiculous man-made tenet, like what I believe most religious tenets to be, are man-made after the fact.
It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..."