Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1038

I believe everything I say in the show, but I don't walk around in my everyday life like some incensed Rasputin. If I did, do you know how alone I'd be in the world?

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called "The Right Hand Stuff". I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

Going to war over religion is basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I am furious about everything.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It's no coincidence that monogamy sounds so much like monotony.