Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1038

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children’s television PBS is on the house.

In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.

Zsa Zsa Gabor, the only woman ever to apply for group alimony. Never got a dinner!

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.

You might be a redneck if you've ever been arrested for loitering.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.