Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1038
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.
Zsa Zsa Gabor, the only woman ever to apply for group alimony. Never got a dinner!
Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.
High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.
Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it.
I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.
The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?