Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1038

You might be a redneck if you're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don't even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don't have it. I don't have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can't afford to buy something that doesn't cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars.

I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

We spend all our time now on customer service phone calls. I used to read when I was on the toilet, but now that's when I make customer service calls.

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

Ladies, I will go to dance clubs and I will tear it up hard core… for a good thirty seconds. When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls. So we finish at the same time.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.

I like to read naked but only on my iPad so I can use my boob to swipe the page.

Woman are always thinking. Always. Their brains are continuously working. They are just thinking of shit all the time. Right now Vicky could be looking at the stage and thinking "I wonder what the stage is made out of. Is that microphone heavy? What if its a heavy microphone."