Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1038
A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.
I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!
A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.
The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.
I believe everything I say in the show, but I don't walk around in my everyday life like some incensed Rasputin. If I did, do you know how alone I'd be in the world?
It's really the kids that do you in. We have two kids. That's fucking stupid. Don't do that.
According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
Six months ago, in Saudi Arabia, a suicide bomber managed to get close to a Saudi prince. And he did this by hiding a bomb inside him; he managed to get explosives and a detonator inside his anus. And he detonated that bomb, killing nobody -- apart from himself -- a lot. When I first heard that story, my instinctive reaction was, that is definitely the world's greatest missed opportunity for a pull my finger joke.
Over in Amsterdam, they spoke pot. They mix it with hash and tobacco and they roll it together. And the reason why they do that: they have so many vices, they have to combine them. “Oh, I’ll smoke pot but I don’t want to have that cut into my cigarette smoking time. I’m doin’ a hooker in 10 minutes.”