Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1052

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again.

You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'

For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.

Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I assumed you were a guy, you might have female parts. I don't know per-say. And I don't mean to call it a per-say, but it might be... with sack.