Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1052

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

After all, game shows are not like working in a coal mine.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?'

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

I’m fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!