Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1052
Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.
I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.
You might be a redneck if there are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.
In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.
You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.