Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1051

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

I get happier every day. I have a sense of accomplishment every day of my life.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.

There are also always those burnt, hard kernels at the bottom that don't pop. You know why they don't pop? They don't pop because they have integrity.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

The next evolutionary step is into the screen.

Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.