Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1051

A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.'

Noah’s wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, "It’s your turn to spread the papers on the floor!" Never got a dinner!

I lapsed into rude.

Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

Greed is a bad color on a person.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?