Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1051
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.
There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.
We spend all our time now on customer service phone calls. I used to read when I was on the toilet, but now that's when I make customer service calls.
The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.
The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!