Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1051
I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."
I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.
If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat, you might be a redneck.
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.
I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.
I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!
There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I’ve done my job.
The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.