Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1051
You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
( Unlikely things for the Queen to include in her Christmas speech ) I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm now so old that my pussy is haunted.
Woman are always thinking. Always. Their brains are continuously working. They are just thinking of shit all the time. Right now Vicky could be looking at the stage and thinking "I wonder what the stage is made out of. Is that microphone heavy? What if its a heavy microphone."
I want to do a reality show based on “The Mole” but it’s really about sexually transmitted diseases. And it’s called, “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!
It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.
I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.
Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."
Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."