Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1051
It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
You might be a redneck if you roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.
My relatives all put in chips in their TV's to block my appearances.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.