Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1053

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

You might be a redneck if you've ever been arrested for loitering.

Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes.

You might be a redneck if there are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.

It doesn't have to be that way.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

You might be a redneck if your wedding was held in the delivery room.

Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'