Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1053
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.
Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.
You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."
People love gossip. It's the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".
If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."