Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1053
Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
They really cut to the chase in the urologist’s examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying… under another man.
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.
It's no different. It's not like I ever cursed around my mother or anything. I never had a hard time turning it on and off. It's like you enter another country - sometimes you're in a cursing country and then you're in a kid's country.