Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1053

My father was a small claims court jester.

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

At this point in time, that's like saying you're not 'into the phone.'

I'm like oysters; a few people claim they're a delicacy, but most people find the idea of putting one in their mouth disgusting.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

I thought when we elected a black president, we were going to get a black president. You know, BP oil spill is where I want a real black president. I want him in a meeting with the BP CEOs, you know, where he lifts up his shirt so you can see the gun in his pants. That’s - "we’ve got a motherfucking problem here?" Shoot somebody in the foot.

No Angie, it's instant. Like when someone trips in the cafeteria and you're laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose, the guy next to you is laughing so hard he accidentally farts. Boom! Friends for life!

You know that if you leave your underwear on a plane, things did not go the way you intended.