Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1053

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I'm really funny now.

When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

It doesn't have to be that way.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

I think before giving me a credit card, they should have given me a math test. A series of story problems. “If Maria’s boyfriend is in a folk band but he only smokes pot every other day, what percentage of the rent will he be able to contribute?” Now I thought 50%. But the answer is zero.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

I was married once before, and I stopped.