Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1054

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat, you might be a redneck.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I’ve done my job.

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.