Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1054

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

For my sake I hope this is the first day of somebody else's life.

They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.

At this point in time, that's like saying you're not 'into the phone.'

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

You might be a redneck if you roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.