Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1054
You might be a redneck if you roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
“I’ve got a little baby, I made him…He doesn’t speak, he’s 2…He’s a slow learner, he’s only got 2 words…car and map…I’m slightly worried he’s trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!”
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
I was watching this thing on curing homosexuality. It was called “Can counseling make you straight?” Well, I don’t know. Money can make you Republican…
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie.
MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.