Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1054
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
What’s a Jewish mobster? I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.
Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.
I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!