Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1054
Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'
I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?
To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.
They really cut to the chase in the urologist’s examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.
Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.
I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.