Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1055

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..."

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

My foreign policy? Fuck you! My domestic policy, FUCK YOU!

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.