Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1055
Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
My relatives all put in chips in their TV's to block my appearances.
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.
It's no different. It's not like I ever cursed around my mother or anything. I never had a hard time turning it on and off. It's like you enter another country - sometimes you're in a cursing country and then you're in a kid's country.