Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1055
The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.
To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"