Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1055
It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.
Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."
For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.
Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I assumed you were a guy, you might have female parts. I don't know per-say. And I don't mean to call it a per-say, but it might be... with sack.
Being a white supremacist is like getting into porn. At some point you gotta be like, "what the fuck was I thinking?"
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
I would only take a role that I know I'm comfortable in and I can do. I've turned down plenty of things because I'd feel it's not me, and I wouldn't want to come on someone's project and flip that.
Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children’s television PBS is on the house.
Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."
In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.