Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1055
Woman are always thinking. Always. Their brains are continuously working. They are just thinking of shit all the time. Right now Vicky could be looking at the stage and thinking "I wonder what the stage is made out of. Is that microphone heavy? What if its a heavy microphone."
She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
You might be a redneck if you use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.
For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.