Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1061

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

Women! Can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em!

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. I'm fucked.

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

I was the hallway clown in high school.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Everything that people say is testable.