Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1061
When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.
When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.
I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.