Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1061
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
For my sake I hope this is the first day of somebody else's life.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.