Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1061
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?
Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.
There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.