Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1061

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

A place where we all go can’t be bad.

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.