Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1061

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

People on the right say to people like me, "Oh, you hate America." And I always say, "No, I love America. I want it back. I don't want you representing it. I don't want torture representing it." If I hated it, I'd be okay with being represented by the torturers.

( Unlikely letters for an agony aunt to receive ) I would like to trace my father , could you suggest a good marker pen ?

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.