Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1060
When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.
If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there.
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.
The kind of beautiful that if your life ever flashed before your eyes you'd have to stop at that part and beat off.
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
My relatives all put in chips in their TV's to block my appearances.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
What’s a Jewish mobster? I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.
Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying… under another man.
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
It's no different. It's not like I ever cursed around my mother or anything. I never had a hard time turning it on and off. It's like you enter another country - sometimes you're in a cursing country and then you're in a kid's country.
My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.