Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1060

Desperation is my sweet spot.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?

Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.

A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another - for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.

If we’re friends with someone and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!