Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1060
During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?
Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.