Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1060
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.