Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1060

The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.

Grandchildren can be fucking annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel.

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye."

So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.

I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.'

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I was the hallway clown in high school.

The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.

I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I assumed you were a guy, you might have female parts. I don't know per-say. And I don't mean to call it a per-say, but it might be... with sack.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

You can't just go gay, its not like buying a ladder.

It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.