Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1062
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
At this point in time, that's like saying you're not 'into the phone.'
It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.
You might be a redneck if you roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"
To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.