Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1062

I love life! One day maybe it'll be my own.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...

You don't have anything; you don't own anything.

People love gossip. It's the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they're usually somebody's. You know, I'm not wearing Kmart.