Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1062
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.
If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"
I think before giving me a credit card, they should have given me a math test. A series of story problems. “If Maria’s boyfriend is in a folk band but he only smokes pot every other day, what percentage of the rent will he be able to contribute?” Now I thought 50%. But the answer is zero.
You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"
The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."
When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.