Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1063

I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

You might be a redneck if the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

You might be a redneck if your wedding was held in the delivery room.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.