Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1063

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

I was raised in an atmosphere of 'everything's fine.' But as I got older, I was like, 'Well no, everything's not fine. There is stuff that's sad.' I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

For my sake I hope this is the first day of somebody else's life.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.