Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1063
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.
I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.
Noah’s wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, "It’s your turn to spread the papers on the floor!" Never got a dinner!
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he’s in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.
Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.
"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.
I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.