Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1063
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!
They really cut to the chase in the urologist’s examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.
In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."
There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.