Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1064
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
If we lose our phones, we lose our phone books. You don't memorize numbers anymore.
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.
When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.