Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1064
I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.
I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.
[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!