Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1064
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
They really cut to the chase in the urologist’s examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying… under another man.
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.
You might be a redneck if you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of K-Mart.
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"