Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1064
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.
A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”
Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.
My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.
Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.
Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.
50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!
When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.
The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.
The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.