Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1066

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

A place where we all go can’t be bad.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.

I love life! One day maybe it'll be my own.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.