Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1066

The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!