Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1066
If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
We had 1 book, the phone book, I’ve read it, it wasn’t a great read, lots of characters, and on the end loads of polish people turn up.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.
When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.
I think before giving me a credit card, they should have given me a math test. A series of story problems. “If Maria’s boyfriend is in a folk band but he only smokes pot every other day, what percentage of the rent will he be able to contribute?” Now I thought 50%. But the answer is zero.