Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1066

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. I'm fucked.

So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

I lapsed into rude.

Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"

Humans are born, small, weak and helpless. That's why we have family. And the elders of the family are the honoured guardians of our country's history. Unfortunately, in America, we, you know, lock those elders away out of view in nursing homes and go about our little lives. It's a great national shame and an irredeemable tragedy. Oh well.