Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1065

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying… under another man.

When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.