Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1065

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

When I go onstage, I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. It's one of those questions where any and everything is possible. I literally could be talking about somebody I was hanging out with two seconds ago or something from the news. Literally, there's really no rhyme or reason for it. I want to be free flowing like that.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.