Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1065

I was the hallway clown in high school.

I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.

Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.

A constant question you get asked as a comedian by journalists is “when did you first realize you wanted to be a comedian?” And you never hear the honest response from people, which is, “well, when all the career dreams my parents had for me died in the gutter like a fairgrounds fish.”

This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.