Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1065
Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"
You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.
Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
If we lose our phones, we lose our phone books. You don't memorize numbers anymore.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.