Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1090

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

It seems like movies that have heart to them always do well, and they find their audience.

"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.

Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.

There was a time when people said, "Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that." Now they just say, "Pay him!"

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

So, do you live around here often?

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

I just broke up with my girl friend, i caught her lying....under another man.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?