Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1090
Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay.
Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
People who call themselves divas...you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
I just broke up with my girl friend, i caught her lying....under another man.
I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.
You might be a redneck if there is a wasp nest in your living room.
And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.
More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.