Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1090
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
The president is not doing well with African Americans. His popularity rating - his approval rating - with blacks: two percent. Two percent. That is somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and sickle cell anemia.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
She was wacko. She was an only child, but she still had a sibling rivalry.
Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just - the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.