Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1090

We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.

What's the latest dope on Wall Street? My son!

Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.

I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

Also, as I've gotten older and more mature, I've become much more comfortable in my own skin. After 25 years of doing stand-up, that's reflected onstage.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

"A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!"

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.

But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."

For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.

I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.