Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1098
This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.
You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.
The president is not doing well with African Americans. His popularity rating - his approval rating - with blacks: two percent. Two percent. That is somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and sickle cell anemia.
Don't give advice. It will come back and bite you in the butt. Don't take anyone's advice. So, my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.
But let me ask you this though, first and foremost: who's your favorite Spice Girl? Mine is Sporty Spice and I'll tell you why. You know what? She might not be as aesthetically pleasant as the rest but she'll do a backflip and steal your heart.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, "Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness".
I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.
Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.