Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1098
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."
And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.
The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart.
There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive.
The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.