Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1098

18,873 quotes

I'm a mischievous drunk.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

I'm a cautious pessimist.

Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, "for your convenience." It's like getting punched in the throat, "for your comfort."

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

It's clearly yen positive, especially when China is gradually allowing the yuan to appreciate day by day.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

If the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for resisting any topside advances.

Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.

In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.