Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1098
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."
We always have creepy people around, a creepy individual, and it starts off when we're young-uns; when we're young-uns there's a creepy person. Back in school, back in the day, which by the way, I don't know if you knew this, was a Wednesday. Thats a little fun fact. Yeah, when you refer to "back in the day" it's a Wednesday. Take that home, chew it, it's delicious.
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"
So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.
I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.
I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.
History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.
She was wacko. She was an only child, but she still had a sibling rivalry.
Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.