Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1099
The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.
I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say "I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean". I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.
There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”
Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.
Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Don't give advice. It will come back and bite you in the butt. Don't take anyone's advice. So, my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.
Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.