Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1099

Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

Leave me alone. Mine [laptop] has been on for years. The poor thing is going there "I'm boiling! Please, turn me off! Even oven gets a break! Come on!"

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff, away. You didn't put it away...it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!

And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.

Just woke up after a nightmare only to reaiize it is far safer asleep than me making breakfast and always paranoid about poisoning myself.

And to those people with no children but who think they'd like to have them some day to fulfill their lives. Remember: With fulfillment comes responsibility.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.

I have one phobia, snakes. And by "snakes" I mean "intimacy."

Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.