Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1099

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.