Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1097
Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.
That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.
My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.
You might be a redneck if there is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.
You might be a redneck if you refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
They were going crazy in Kansas. People were up to 9 p.m. I think that was the greatest thing to happen to Kansas since the eradication of the boll weevil.
A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What -- does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'