Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1100
On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.
I meet so many young folks who say, “If I got to go and die in a war at 18, I want the right to vote at 18.” Don’t be no damn fool. You got to die at 18, you better fight to get the right to vote at 17.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.
My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.
She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.
Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, "They still have a van?"
Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cuz when the shit goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police.
Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.