Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1100

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.

Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.

Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.

I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.

Have people always been this angry? I’ve got a funny idea that before the internet people were just writing ‘fuck you’ and attaching it to pigeons.

"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.

I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive.

The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.

The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.

I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’