Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1108

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.

I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called "the sound hole". The one of the face of its player is called "the sincerity hole."

Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe.

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.