Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1108

Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.

Leave me alone. Mine [laptop] has been on for years. The poor thing is going there "I'm boiling! Please, turn me off! Even oven gets a break! Come on!"

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

I don't know, people take chances on stage. It's a big free speech zone, a comedy show. So sometimes things happen, you say things that are a little bit off the edge.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.

I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?

They were going crazy in Kansas. People were up to 9 p.m. I think that was the greatest thing to happen to Kansas since the eradication of the boll weevil.

They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.