Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1109
I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
It's easy to point the finger at someone else and place blame. Go head try it it's fun. Pick anyone and start blame placing the shit outta them.
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."
You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.
Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch "Big Brother".