Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1109

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.

You might be a redneck if the rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

George Bush says, "Gore's book needs a lot of explaining." Of course, Bush says that about every book.

When something's good, I'm not an over-celebrator.

My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.

You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

Oh yeah, I’m mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.

This is a great day for people who do what I do, this is a great day for talk-show hosts. Remember when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face? It's like one of those days. It's like when Mel Gibson went crazy and blamed the Jewish people for everything, it's one of those days, it's fantastic.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

I'm Bill Hicks, and I'm dead now, 'cause I smoked cigarrettes... cigarrettes didn't kill me, a bucnh of non-smokers kicked the living shit out of me one night.

Some people wonder if it isn’t unusual for an accountant to become a comedian. It’s unusual for a good account to become a comedian. I was a very poor accountant.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.