Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1107

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.

My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

How are you gonna make an ‘idol’ from the type of person you’re trying to avoid in real life?

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I’m surprised she hasn’t joined them!

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

But let me ask you this though, first and foremost: who's your favorite Spice Girl? Mine is Sporty Spice and I'll tell you why. You know what? She might not be as aesthetically pleasant as the rest but she'll do a backflip and steal your heart.

I lapsed into rude.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."