Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1107

My mum was crazy. And her mum was crazy. And her mum's mum was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers? When I go to dinner with friends should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?

My mother sadly claimed, that my birth was just a coincidence.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I don't know, people take chances on stage. It's a big free speech zone, a comedy show. So sometimes things happen, you say things that are a little bit off the edge.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!