Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1113
Have people always been this angry? I’ve got a funny idea that before the internet people were just writing ‘fuck you’ and attaching it to pigeons.
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."
But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.