Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1113

Today is the last day of the beginning of my life.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I get so into the moment.

So glad I'm not the only guy who thinks about killing everyone wearing a hoodie.

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

The speed of time is one second per second.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I don’t feel those limits when I’m on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it’s all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring.

You might be a redneck if you've ever bought a used cap.

Send her a quick note while you`re stuck in a long meeting. A lighthearted chat definitely makes the time go faster.

Sarah Palin HAS to be Latina: she has a job and her husband don't work. She's gonna be a grandma, and has an infant-she's Latina.