Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1114

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it.

[America is] simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

One in the morning, you have people waiting for a booth to open at a Waffle House.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips… but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.

Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.

My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.

I think; therefore I worry.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"