Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1114
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."
Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."
It's a historical thing, up to the 19th century the English hated the French. Then in the 20th century the English started to hate the Germans - as we began to move alphabetically through the map of the world. Now, the year 2000, we are fine with the Germans… but the Hungarians are pissing us off.
You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.
Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me.
Send her a quick note while you`re stuck in a long meeting. A lighthearted chat definitely makes the time go faster.
The Kinsey Institute says gay men have bigger sex organs. Hence the origin of gay pride.
I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.
I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
One little boy turned to the kid next to him, and he said, 'I hate you.' And this kid was devastated. He started crying those only tears you can cry as a child. He was saying, 'I don't know why you hate me; I don't know what I have done to make you hate me.' And then softy, so quietly you had to strain to hear it, he said, 'Fuck.' And the first boy heard him and said, 'Hold On. Do you swear?' And he said yes, and they were friends again. Don't tell me swearing it wrong. I have seen it's healing properties.