Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1115

I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I’m surprised she hasn’t joined them!

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

You gotta figure being deaf cant be that bad. It's gotta have a positive side to it. Say you have a girlfriend. No, say you have my ex girlfriend. She's giving you shit, you don't know. All he sees is (animated movements) and all he thinks is "She's so beautiful when she dances. So much passion"

I come from a very large family - nine parents.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

It's the time of year when Canadians mate.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

No means yes in grasshopper language.

You're going to eat that later? You're going to take it home?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.