Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1115
The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.
I'm a hard guy to live with. I'm like a caged animal. I'm up all night walking around the living room. It's hard for me to come down from what I do.
In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.
My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.
Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.
We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.