Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1115
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.
You might be a redneck if you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.
You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'
Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.
If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.
You might be a redneck if the rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.
I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.
On Jeff Ross: “You’re fattening faster than you’re aging. You’re like the Curious Case of Benjamin Glutton”
Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.