Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1121
Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.
The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.
"Anything is possible if you believe in yourself," said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
My mum was crazy. And her mum was crazy. And her mum's mum was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers? When I go to dinner with friends should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?
I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.
While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.
One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.
You might be a redneck if you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.