Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1121

Do you feel insecure because you keep getting the nagging feeling that you're not that smart? Well, I've got good news for you, my friend. You have no need to be insecure. That nagging feeling is absolutely right on target. You are not that smart. But I have more good news for you. You are also not alone.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over.

You gotta figure being deaf cant be that bad. It's gotta have a positive side to it. Say you have a girlfriend. No, say you have my ex girlfriend. She's giving you shit, you don't know. All he sees is (animated movements) and all he thinks is "She's so beautiful when she dances. So much passion"

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. "You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!"

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.

"Oh look, she smiled at me!" It's because you shit your pants.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.